Friendships and Possibilities??

I get excited at the idea of new friends. The possibility of having someone that has my back and I've got theirs. But every day I worry about being let down - or get aggrivated with - someone.

I've come to think I judge to harshly. I get annoyed too easily and I feel that I myself am annoying - there I find a contradiction in my actions. I hate that about me.

I wish I could be as easy going as others that I know and see. I feel like I have certain things I have to stand up for... but maybe they get in the way of my social skills. If I constantly am annoyed at someone - because I'm standing up against being pushed around - then I feel I'm just looked at as a mean person. Then again, I have friends who, in my opinion, could stand to be more mean so they wouldn't get pushed around. So here I am - a rock in a hard place. I wish I could find a happy medium - just to let my brain rest.

I am at a weird point in feelings. I am so excited to have people who love me, friends that would be there for me. But at the same time, I somewhat feel badly about the people I have previously dismissed because I CANNOT just be everyone's friend. I am not that kind of girl. If I'm dealing with bull everyday from someone - I eventually give up on a friendship. Is that wrong?

I sometimes feel - well, I shouldn't give up. And other times - I'm so much better off when not being stressed out by this person.

So what do I do?

Continue putting up with things that stress me out even further? Or dismiss people that in my terms aren't worth trying to be more than acquaintences with?

Anyway - right now things are looking up for me. I'm hoping to have a whole new work ethic in my studies and right now the people that really are my friends are shining through :).

As much as I gripe everyday - I do love my life!

My Wuvet

It's been 1 year 5 months and 2 weeks since we made it official.

I'm the type that on some days, is easily agitated, on others I'm paranoid, others jealous. I hate myself for ever allowing me to be angry or upset at him.

My man is the GREATEST man in the entire world. My Drew.

400-ish miles away from me... I'm lucky if I get to see him every 4 weeks or so.
I just spent Thursday-Sunday with him. Every time we spend a weekend together, it is but a dream. I wake up back in T-town, where reality hits me hard in the face. It is so unfair that I have to constantly leave him over and over, or vice versa. I try hard not to cry every time... but it seldom works.

Since I left VSU this past weekend, I thought the whole ride home - wow, look how much he does for me. Look how he loves me. This right here is what I yearned for for so many years! I have it right now... I am the luckiest girl in the world!

Today it was so hard for me, several times mind you, to not just sit and cry happy tears. My chest has had this full feeling, like its about to explode all day long. It swells even more when I hear a sweet love song. My cup runneth over.

He had sprayed my VSU t-shirt with his cologne before I left, an act that he was reprimanded for... before I realized how that very act had actually truly graced me with the smell of the one I love the seven hours it took me to get home as well as while I was falling asleep. -I don't deserve him-

After sending texts all day just saying ''I love you :)'' and talking on facebook chat and calling him once... I went to the local Ulta store, which is wonderful might I add, and there I thought I'd look for his cologne, which he thought was being pulled from the shelves... and there it sat. Beautifully in its blue capped bottle. I sprayed it on me. I'm actually wearing my boyfriend's cologne as we blog. Everytime I make the subtlest move, I get a lovely whiff of the love of my life.

This boy is - amazing. Excuse me... MAN. Drew Ogden... I love you with my entire being and I love you more with every breath I take... and I'll love you for a thousand more lifetimes to infinity. Thank you for loving me the way you do and for being my best friend. I love you like no other. :') MUAH!!

In Days of Late

I know that usually I write about my love for a certain boy - but I thought I really ought to be more journally :). Lately my life has had no structure - well let me rephrase; no sensible, productive structure...

Since I was old enough to work, I have had a job, and school - where it applies - and lately... the past 2-3 weeks, I HAVE HAD NOTHING TO DO. Nothing that needed to be done, other than the loads of dishes or clothes I have washed, and bathing of course - that's always important, but I have had nothing to study, or work on... and frankly, I don't like it.

I am ready for everyone to come back into town for school - and I am sooo thankful for my dear friend that I have wonderful couch chats - which elicit smiles, blushes, and tears- and random happy meal gatherings and movie nights galore... We two are absolutely amazing, don't you know...LOL

I'm honestly ready to have a constant schedule again. Right on cue, come Monday, order will be thrown at me with hours of work put into analytical chemistry and my job. I honestly cannot wait!

PS...though a couch chat today I got interested in crazy sex laws throughout the States... you should totally look them up - it is quite insane...

Possession of Smiles


Right when I wake, your voice is in my head
Your "goodnight, I love you babe,"
Creates a trail of happiness across my lips. :)

Sitting in class, I think of a silly thing you did,
The time we were on the beach, when you sang ever so loudly with your kite in hand,
A grin of love is on my face. :)
(my teachers probably think I'm insane, smiling at teachings of electron flow)

Walking across campus - the perfect time to think,
My music lands on a song of memories,
Our song reminds me of that first waking up beside you, the first happiest moment of my life,
I cannot help but smile. :)

You constantly make me smile you see...
Every day... thoughts of you keep me happy...
I know sometimes I'm easily bothered, but you will always have my heart,
And my smiles belong to you. :)

<3 I love you! :)

Another Day of Heartwrench...

Here I am sitting... alone in my apartment... again all that fills my mind is memories of us... i miss you... you are way too far away. I'm listening to our song, trying hard not to cry. It's so unfair that the one person who loves me like I've always dreamt of has to be so many miles away. I do believe God works in mysterious ways and that everything happens for a reason, and I am supposed to be learning from this... I think it makes me appreciate you even more. I love you. Every second away breaks my heart. I can't wait for the day that we actually get to come home to each other. Love is such a double edged sword. I cried from being alone with no one, but this, this thing we all crave, this love I'd do anything for, because you're worth it, it totally hurts 1,000,000 times more. I miss you... and I love you more than I could ever promise...

You, My Love

I wake and think of only you
I drone through my day of studies and books
But only memories made with you bring a smile to my lips
Tears come and go from the agony of missing you
But the precious hours we get to share together are the closest thing to heaven
Never in my life have I been so content as now, lying in your arms asleep
I wonder what you're doing all day long
Think about we perfectly fit the words of each sappy love song
I reminisce us just little kids, catching bugs and running from the markmonster
I forever wondered if I'd ever find someone to trust with my heart
When I saw you in that parking lot for the first reuniting... I knew.
I was so nervous, but so sure
Look at us now baby...
They are all jealous of what we share.
We'll never give it up and we'll never give in
You are my only star.
My heart stumbles at the sight of you
My butterflies flutter at the sound of your voice
You are my only one for always and forever.
I love you.
<3

lend me your mouth i'll tell you a secret

I cant wait till the next time you hold me
Just lend me your mouth and I’ll tell you a secret
Hold my hand let me

Be your forever
I wanna Be your forever
Forever

Don’t let me go
Cause I’ll fall now
Just let me know
We have a chance now

You’re my waking sleeping breathing thoughts now
So far away but I
feel you close when I lay down to sleep
now let me

be your forever
I wanna be your forever
Forever

Im a little paranoid
A little off balance
A little in love
A little scared of falling

For you let me
Be your forever
I wanna be your forever
Forever

Just come over here,

Lend me your mouth, let me...

tell you a secret